Part One: Feeling uncomfortable isn't a bad thing, just different and is necessary for progress and healing.

My week off therapy threw me some challenges and without my therapy visit, I was nervous if I would be able to handle them. I swear, the one day I was going to lose it. And I tried so hard to sit with it and find out what little Kristy was coping and show her love, which made me frustrated because she wouldn't show herself, I couldn't become present to meet her. It was finally bedtime and I was hoping the next day would bring me some relief. And, in some ways it did. I sat with a friend and talked about the day before experience and how frustrating it is to want to do the work and just have an inability to reach it.  And how I feel abandonment is apart of everything in my head, and I wonder if it's ever going to go away. And as I was talking, I had a flash back. I was in an empty room without any furniture, white sheer curtains, wood floor, it appeared to be a family room, with the dining room in the next room, the front door on the other side of the living room and steps leading upstairs. I was alone, with a few toys. All alone. I didn't feel scared, I felt normal sitting in that room and playing. And I wondered if I finally connected with the little Kristy that was emotionally responsible for the day before's coping.  So, in therapy we discussed this briefly and since it was two week sessions in one, we couldn't fully cover all the things. But, she asked me to visit with little Kristy and what did she feel like, what did that feel like to me, as an adult, I felt sad for her, she felt being alone felt normal. She asked how old I was in the flash back, I was about 5-6, I would say. Alone felt normal and okay. Those words don't really describe the weight that I feel with them. Because alone feels very scary for me, now. I also feel very uneasy about a flash back, I had to ask my therapist about  what that means. Apparently it's very normal to have flash backs and be flooded with them, it's associated with trauma. But I think the reason why it bothers me is because its happening to me, and I don't feel like it's yet apart of me. And then I think about that and I realize that it's all happened to me. And it's really hard to swallow. People hurt me, adults didn't keep me safe, and that thought, burns, from the inside out, like a brush fire. And I don't know if I want to feel that pain again. But little Kristy didn't do anything to deserve that treatment, and she does deserve my love, and to be loved. I must do that work for her, I must love her, because who else will? And my love is the greatest love for her. I also had to draw my flashback, in hopes of connecting more with this little Kristy, it is the worst drawing I've done thus far and I've looked at it several times over the past 2 days and its depth has changed,  making me very uncomfortable. Which I suppose is a good thing, I suppose it means progress. 

"The one you are looking for is you." - Osho