You are not the sum of your mistakes.

I am about to tell you something you probably already know. Here it is, You can still be a good person even if you’ve made mistakes or did something mean or bad. I didn't know this. I mean, I knew it for other people but not myself. Like, I just realized that I am not a bad person because I made some bad decisions in my life.  I know, you probably already knew that.

Last weekend was particularly difficult, I was processing the dental visits and sharing very personal feelings and being extremely vulnerable with a friend and I upset some people that I love. I confided in a few friends and was reassured I was a good person. But when I think about my life in this way, it's almost like a Kristy score sheet. One side tallies the bad things I have done (like calling my aunt a fat puss) and the good things I have done. Its like I have this idea that I can't be a good person if I have too many tallies on the bad side. And for some reason the bad tallies seem much more heavier, they hold much more meaning that the good things.  I am constantly evaluating who I am based on this score sheet. For every time I have heard you are good person, you're pretty, you're nice, you're smart, you're sweet, etc this score sheet comes out with a memory of when I wasn't acting like one of those things comes out and just reminds me I have done crappy things, I haven't been pretty, I am not good.  It's like I can't let go of the times I was less than. There's a part of me that just won't let me be think nice things about myself. I talk to my therapist all the time about why I feel like a bad parent or family member or friend and she's always saying that since I think about it, I can't be as terrible as I think I am. I am still at this part where I am struggling with knowing I am good.

I know that everyone makes mistakes, everyone had done crappy things and they aren't all the mistakes they made. But it doesn't translate to me. I mean, until now, it's starting to translate. There is some forgiving going on inside me. I don't what for or who, but it's starting. 

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.” - Alison Croggon

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”  - Mahatma Gandhi

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.” - Alexander Pope

“Don't confuse poor decision-making with destiny. Own your mistakes. It’s ok; we all make them. Learn from them so they can empower you!” - Steve Maraboli

“Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.” -L.M. Montgomery