Epic love lost.

Here's the thing, I don't know what I don't know. Makes total sense right? I've been struggling with this feeling that anyone that helps me deserves something in return from me. My heart has to be full of grattitude and I have to show it to the person. I can't just accept help and say thanks and move on. That love that is given to me is conditional or that the love given to me will run out. There is a part of me that isn't sure that someone will love me forever. Love me on my worst days, love me when I am being an ugly human. Some that know me might say, " I've seen you be an ugly human and I still love you,"  and that is probaly true. But at the time that I was this ugly human, I probably was still trying to be perfect. I put a ton of effort into appearing perfect. It's not that I am not who I am, it's just I try hard to please everyone. It's because I am afraid that people will leave me, if they don't like something about me. I have felt that people are in my life out of condition or feeling bad for me. I don't have a Mom and Dad that will love me no matter. I don't have a Mom or Dad that think me and my siblings are important. I challenge these thoughts all the time. I challenge that people do decide they like me and want to be in my life. And somehow that feels like a lie when I tell myself that.  I have this voice that says, you can't be that special, any accomplioshment is met with that. It’s almost like I have a little Kristy inside me gaslighting me constantly. Telling me what I see isn't real, telling me how I feel isn't right, belittling me whenever it wants, like anything I do well is a fluke.

I often wonder if this lack of confidence is from not having parents. Not having a Mom, or from having a Mom that left me. I could never leave my kids. I would just get better so I could be with my kids. That's it. I just couldn't imagine a world without my kids. Just typing that makes my heart burn: They are my favorite people, ever. I guess that's what it is. I know all the love I have for them. All the love I could have had from my Mom. I guess that’s what it is, what makes all this hard for me. Maybe there is very hurt little Kristy, who knows the love of her Mom, and she is completely heartbroken that she will never have it again. That her Mom, took it, ran away, promised to come back with it and never did. Her Mom, I mean My Mom, died with the love she was supposed to give me. She died without telling me she loved me one more time, she died without telling me how important or proud I was to her. I guess I haven't connected fully with that little Kristy because I don't feel I was important, and I still don't feel important to anyone. I suppose that little Kristy is still so wounded by it. I feel like there is a part of her that says these things to me because she doesn't want to get hurt again. She doesn’t want to experience that epic loss of love. Maybe little Kristy is trying to protect me from more heartache. My guess is that I knew the love of my Mom and it was just for a short while and I was always waiting for it comeback. Or maybe she's just incredibly hurt and heartbroken that she'll never know if it was real or not. Maybe it’s all of that.

"Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent." Bob Keeshan