"In the waves of change, we find our true directions." - unknown

This week has been the first week in months, or maybe even EVER, that I have noticed a change. A shift. Obviously, I go and do the therapy to change, to grow, to better myself and the world around me. I made a promise to myself when I was very young, to never let anyone take my smile away from me. That it is mine and no one but me can control it. I also go and put forth the effort at therapy because I have a chance to right the wrongs, to stop the cycle. To allow love and smiles win. I will win. But, I  often wonder how it is I got here. Why did I survive? How, at such a young age I was able to fight? I believe everyone has the strength I have. Truly. I think anyone could survive what I have, and still smile everyday and be grateful, like me. My therapist and many others say, no. I don't believe them, because what makes me special? I don't know. But if I do have some life skill, I will share it with my kids and anyone else willing to listen. I will not allow the hate from my life, to infiltrate my smiles or my love.

Back to change, I feel it.  I see it. I actually saw a little Kristy, the other day. While I was at the gym, I closed my eyes while on the stationary bike. I saw her, she saw me, she smiled and waved. It wasn't a good bye or even a hello, it was more of a, "I see you."  This change, in this little Kristy, felt good, but still terribly painful. I know these changes I have been making would be hard but would eventually feel good or like a release. And I feel proud and good but I am also very sad. Maybe I am in a mourning process, maybe it just feels uncomfortable. I don't know. I will let you know when I know. 

I know I must make these changes, I must change the way all the little Kristy's see themselves. I know that staying in the same place that I have been is no good for me. I can't help anyone, if I can't help myself. So, I have begun with me. And I have found that my direction has finally changed, it has been turned inward. And by turning my love and compassion inward, I will have more room for what's around me. And if I have all this space now to love others, imagine the space I will have after I have given myself some. For once, I see this. I actually feel how loving me means room for loving others more.

"I learned that I am okay, I am not as bad as I thought I was. Nanu Nanu" -Mork