Hula Hoop

Today was a therapy day. I have to decided to write just on those days. Last week was a holiday so the session was skipped. I am going to try and not do that again, two weeks is too long. I am learning. I struggle very much with voices inside me that tell me that I am not enough and not deserving of much. That if I haven't done something for you than I don't deserve your love or kindness. I know why this voice is here, I know who it is (it's actually more than one person), and I am trying so very hard to silence it. But it's hard. It hard to even recognize the voice is even there. But I am getting better at recognizing. Now I just have to remember when I am stuck in the moments where I want to do all the things for people, and thinking I have to expend all my energy for love, I have to stop and ask myself, "How does this serve me?" And if it doesn't than I can chose to  walk away from that relationship/friendship. Because I am worth it. Not because of what I have been through, not because I am special, but because I am human. Because everyone deserves it. Which scares me, it scares me to be so self involved, I am scared I am going to lose who I am, lose the very few qualities that I like about myself. My ability to be relatable, my ability to love. My therapist reminds me constantly, that if I could just turn that love inward I will have an even larger capacity to love. And I totally get that, I do, taking care of me, helps me take care of others and the way I am doing it now isn't healthy. And I need to be healthy. The amount of love I give and don't receive back in return isn't sustainable. My life isn't sustainable. If I don't learn to turn the love inward than I will find myself at the bottom of a very black hole. 

It may not read like this is difficult to write or talk about but I sit here, in tears. One because, if this was anyone I loved, I would be heartbroken for them, two because, it feels so wrong to love myself.  Or as my therapist says, it's not wrong, its different. She also told me today that it is "so painful to watch and listen to me not love myself."  She is always trying to reassure me that I won't become a narcissist. That I am so far on the other side of that spectrum that its probably impossible. And that "my soul is too beautiful," to ever let that happen. Man, why does that hurt so bad. Why does it hurt so bad when someone says something nice? I know why, I know exactly why. And I am scared to go to that Little Kristy, I am scared to see her again. I think I am almost ready. Ready to see her and remember what happened. And hopefully help heal her and make her apart of me again and silence one part of that voice.

But now, I will do my best to remember the imaginary hula hoop around me, as my boundaries. What is in the hula hoop is me and I don't have invite anyone in that area doesn't serve me.

Therapy is hard, change is hard. They say taking that first step is the hardest, I don't think it is. It is the middle steps, because there is no looking back when you've started to see the light. Then, you have to do the work, no matter how hard it is. There is no sitting in the same comfortable place if you are hurting there too. At least in this forward direction there is hope.

"It's not what's in front of you that blocks your way, it's what's inside of you that holds you back" -Mork