"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." - Morticia Addams

Without my anxiety, I feel I will lose control over my life and I will die. My fear, primarily, is someone taking my life from me versus the death itself. Last night I was scared to fall asleep because when I'm sleeping I'm vulnerable and I can't defend myself. I woke this morning in a panic. As I told myself I was safe and I could let go of some control, I heard a voice. A little Kristy say, "if you're not going to be in control and keep us safe, who will?" 

I've been in charge of keeping myself and others safe for as long as I can remember, my earliest memory is 5 when I hid under my bed while my parents violently faught.

This past week in therapy, I described myself, in a body bag, zipped all the way open, with maggots and bugs eating through me, peoples hands digging inside me. 

I feel like everyone has permission to have a piece of me. Except me. I feel I have no say in me. Because this is what I have been shown my whole life. When I was a little girl, I cared for my siblings, cleaning the house, making food, while my mother was blacked out sleeping off her drugs and alcohol. I would keep my mothers secrets, I would stay up calling jails and bail bondsmen with her. I'd comfort her. And later, I was someone she could be angry with, she could blame. And the men in and out of the house must of thought the same. Using my body and then telling me that I was ungrateful for what she provided for me. Ha! Be grateful for a life of neglect and abuse.

This is what 6-8 year old Kristy learned. She learned that she's here to please others, to care for others, to be someone's sounding board. And that she didn't even do that well. But she did learn how to survive.

Here I am 37 years old. Going back to all my little Kristy's and trying to change the messages. I wonder, often if I am being too selfish. I have to tell myself I am worth it. Because I don't believe I am.  I am just starting to see myself as human, I am not sure who I was before. But I was not human.

But, I am human. And I deserve all the grace and love that I give. And one day, it'll feel like normal. Not this constant chatter. And I look forward to a quieter day. 

 "If one stays too long in his shell he'll wind up nuts. And on that same note Sir, Nanu." -Mork