Warrior: a brave or experienced soldier or fighter

This sucks. This whole process sucks. I shouldn't have to do all this work. I shouldn't be this mentally tired. I shouldn't have to be this brave all the time. Someone should have taken care of me. Someone should have kept me safe. It's not fair and I know life isn't fair but for the love of dog, I could have been given a pass somewhere.

This week, I went into therapy with the things that I had processed over the past week, excited to share with her that I learned that I have control over the boundaries in my life. And then she asked me, "Why am I allowed boundaries?" And I know what she wants me to say, "because I am worth it, I have value." And so, I honestly tell her, "I don't know, I know I what I am supposed to say I am worth it, but I don't feel it."  She reminds me that I need to feel it before I can begin to really heal. Honestly, I don't know if I will, I want to. But it also scares me. It does. Deeply. I am scared to find worth in myself. I am scared of what that will look like. Isn't that sad. I am scared of having value. Up until today, my work in therapy has been related to the verbal and sexual abuse of a man that was my Mom's boyfriend, because his voice is the one I hear most often when I am fighting for me. But when I fight through his voice, and do the things for Kristy, I am greeted with the fear of being mean. My fear of being worthy, is that I will be like my Mother. That I will be so self absorbed that I will neglect everyone. And I sat there telling my therapist this, and I was in tears as she reminded me (like she does every visit) that it's impossible for me to ever be that person. Because I am always thinking about how my actions will hurt someone. And I don't believe that yet either, I really broke down at this visit because I am tired, I am breaking through to heal some of the little Kristy's hurt by that man that sexually and verbally abused me, just to be greeted by more demons. The list of demons feel never ending and the pain feels the same. 

But in true warrior fashion, I will continue to fight. Fighting for myself is what I know how to do more than anything else in my life. I will come out on the other side, I promise you, with my smile intact.

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." - Robin Williams