ACCEPTANCE. Yes, I got there!

It is a new day, another therapy in the books. Which brings another blog. After the last post, I woke up with a new perspective. For as long as I can remember, if anyone asked me about my parents, my childhood, they'd get a small synopsis, don't know where Dad is, maybe jail, maybe not, Mom left, don't know where, don't know if she'll be back. Shocked faces, people stumble over words, part curious, part horrified, part unsure of what to say next. That's an extremely uncomfortable for anyone, even more for me. I want to comfort that person, I don't know if you have read my other posts but I am working on not feeling responsible for the way other people feel.  Typically I would respond, "Ah, it's okay, I am okay, it made me who I am, happy to just be here, I don't really wish for a different beginning, ya know, that was the beginning of my story and now it's closed and away and I get to write the rest." And it's true, I viewed a large of my childhood as a story, in a book, sealed and put up on a shelf, I knew it was there but it wasn't apart of me anymore. It can't hurt me anymore, if it isn't apart of me. So now back to this new perspective, and believe me, this isn't brain blowing or anything for most of you but it was for me. And it took me 2 years to get here. That book, that story of mine, up on the shelf that I have been trying to integrate. Well, it's always been inside me. It's integrated, it controls me already. I just didn't know it. I didn't know that no matter how hard I try to block and change how it has affected me, it still does. I can't change that. That was my childhood, it will always be apart of me. You guys know what that is, apparently that's called ACCEPTANCE. Yep, I think I just leveled up. Funny thing, I don't think I feel any different, I suppose I don't because the work and changes I have been making, slowly and gradually, despite wanting to be quick and get it over with, actually work.  This was the good part of therapy (well, all parts of therapy of good, but some aren't this fun, lol).

We continued to talk about the Kristy who doesn't feel enough that is at the wheel for adult Kristy more often than any other Kristy. She was very much present for the visit. All I could do was describe the way I was treated as child was mean. My mom was mean to me, and the things that happened to me was mean and then more mean things happened and it was just a big old mean sandwich. No matter how much I tried I couldn't think of any better way to describe what happened to me. Mean, but I really don't feel that mean sufficiently sums up what I went through. Fucked up, horrific, horrendous, those are pretty good words for what happened. But a 5 year old wouldn't use those words. She would call it mean. My therapist suggested to help 5 year old express herself, to give her words. And for some reason, I sat there angry at this. And after some digging, we realized I was mad at 5 year old Kristy. What for? I am mad she didn't fight back more, I am mad she didn't run away, I am mad she didn't call 911. She knew to call her grandmother to ask her to bring her food to take her to school, WHY DIDN'T SHE DO MORE?!?FULL STOP, Kristy. You are mad at a 5 year old for not being a better adult. A better adult than the adult in the house. I think your anger is misplaced here. So, step one, stop being mean to myself.  Step two, be a 5 year old for a day, give love to her, give her what she needs. Step one will be hard, actually, step 2 will also be hard, maybe more so than 1. Step three is actually get mad at the person who deserves it (that's much later, am not ready for that one).

I will continue to do the things until it begins to feel normal. Normal to feel enough, normal to not be mad at myself, normal to not be okay. 

Dear Self, I am sorry for all the mean things I said. I love you.

"We think we must struggle against our lives to change them but in truth, we must first come to peace with exactly how they are." - Suzanne Heyn

“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”  -Danielle Bernock

“The greater a child’s terror, and the earlier it is experienced, the harder it becomes to develop a strong and healthy sense of self.”  -Nathaniel Branden