The ending, her ending, was already written. I can still write my ending.

ACCEPTANCE CONTINUED......

I have always felt some of my life's big decisions were made for me. Even if they weren't directly, they were because of my childhood (me wanting to correct it, heal it, etc). And part of that is that I was afraid of disappointing everyone. Yes, everyone, my family, my friends, my teachers, even people I didn't know. For a long time I have spent my time trying to be perfect at everything and hiding from the things I wasn't. This spreads to today. For example, I went to the dump, for the first time ever and I was excited. Because throwing trash and releasing some anger. But so very nervous because this was the first time I have ever been to the dump and I haven't a clue what to expect. Would the people be nice? Would I know where to go? Would someone be mean to me or disappointed because I was confused or slow because I didn't know what to do. Would I get lost? Would I appear stupid? Would I have enough cash and then do they take credit card? And my stomach starts churning when I am 3 minutes away. I starting picking the skin around my nails. I start obsessing over the directions I was given by friends. ALL THESE FEELINGS FOR THE DUMP!!! And let me tell you, these aren't abnormal thoughts for me. I am not confident in my abilities, at all. I am learning to be and totally trying to get over that it's okay to be confident. Cause ya know, that's a thought. Being too confident in my confidence. It's like, why would anyone expect me to be perfect? Why do I put this outrageous standard on myself?  Sometimes I think I can't be loved if I have flaws. And I don't think I am perfect. I think I have so much room for improvement. And I know this all goes back to me thinking that if I was a better kid, or if I tried harder that my Mom would have loved me, she would have come back. It also makes me think, would she be proud of me? I have always wanted to hear her say that she loved me, that she is proud of me. I don't want to guess anymore. So when I walked into therapy about 2 years ago, Meredith told me that I have the ability to make my own ending because my Mom was no longer alive. I can say my mom was proud of me, she loved me and she thought about me everyday. Frankly, that pissed me off. I didn't want some made of version of how she felt for me. I wanted to hear what she really thought. And then, recently I realized two things.

First, maybe she wouldn't have been proud of me, maybe she didn't love me, maybe she never thought of me again and that would be the meanest things she could say. Or maybe she wouldn't be able to understand all the work I've done, understand what I feel, why I write, why I share. Because she wouldn't be there herself. 

Second. The ending, is what it is, it's been written. She left, she never came back and she died. That's it. I need to accept that is the way it went. And I can bury the feeling that she will ever tell me that she loved me, she was proud of me.

So I have decided that I am going to believe she loved me, she would be proud of who I am, and who I am trying to be. I am going to believe that in her heart she thought she was doing the right thing for me. I can also say, it's sucks that she died before I was able to see her again. And that it sucks that once again someone made a decision for my heart without asking me and the decision was made for me. But the obsession is over,  I have finally accepted that I won't ever know. And that's okay and sad and painful and that that is all okay too. 

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”  Paulo Coelho

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody.”  Stephen Chbosky

"A sunset is nothing more and nothing less than the backside of a sunrise." Craig D. Lounsbrough

"It all begins and ends in your mind. What you give power to has power over you." Leon Brown