The Bad Monster

It's been almost month since I have sat down to write. And this post will probably all over the place because my 27 year old cousin GIgi was killed in a car accident a few weeks ago. Leaving us all behind. We are all devastated. I am crushed. Gigi was a bright light, she was a kind person. She loved fiercely. She'd give the shirt off her back. I think anyone that was close to G, was considered her family. All I can think of was how I really need a hug from her. She gave the best hugs, not too long, not too short, not too weird. She just wrapped you up. If you were sad, she felt it with you. If you were happy she felt that with you too. She just knew how to sit with you. When our Poppee died last year, her hugs helped. And all I could think about and wish for was one of her hugs. The only way I could survive this grief would be with her hugs. Except I am grieving her. I don't get to hug her again. I miss her so much.

My aunt called me that day to tell me the news and it just keeps replaying over and over and over in my head. It's like, my brain won't let me forget. It's so awful that she's gone. She was so special. The whole world is missing out. She loved without restriction. I will try to honor her everyday. She had 2 cats, Nimbus and Leah, they were her pride and joy, her little babies. My cousin sent me a message that afternoon, making sure they didn't get forgotten, making sure they went somewhere they were loved just as fiercely. Of course I would take them. I am honored to have them. I have a part of Gigi in my home. They cuddle and they give kisses. The kids and I (and Rex) get a little piece of Gigi everyday. For that I am lucky. I am also lucky that we had a quick exchange over snapchat an hour before she passed and I saw how happy she was. She and our Margee (grandmother) were having a great big laugh over the filters. 

This next part I struggled writing about. But I know Gigi wouldn't mind. I know she supported my blog and mental well being.

That morning, I was declaring my freedom from anxiety to friends and was even going to write about it. That I finally saw it for what it was. I was okay with my lack of control. To be present, to do all I could to be safe but not be all consumed in worry. I finally had my arsenal for fighting the bad monster anxiety. That night, I sat in my bathtub crying. I got mad at myself for letting my guard down. I was mad that I thought I could be present, that worry would no longer run my mind. It was as if the universe was using me and laughing at my pain. I no longer wanted to defeat anxiety because I didn't feel prepared for this giant hole in my heart that will never be filled. I know that is the monster talking, that is anxiety. And luckily I reached out to a few friends who reminded me that the ugly monster was talking and to remember my arsenal. I am using my arsenal of coping tools as much as I can. It doesn't sound like much but it's exhausting. And I am grieving and grieving with my family and her friends.  I am also trying to continue on this journey of unraveling my trauma. Ah, ya know, trauma, it never goes away.

Little Kristy's are being healed but that doesn't mean they have forgotten.  They still get triggered, demand to be heard and to be paid attention to. In one of my first posts I wrote about my hula hoop. Who deserved to be in it and out of it. And I have been scared to keep people out of it because I am scared of losing people. But I am understanding the more people that I keep close that hurt me that harder it is for me to help myself and the people that need help. I used to think I had to chose people that are hurting over myself who is hurting, all the time. But I finally get it, I finally understand that I can be more helpful and more compassionate by showing myself that love. I realized recently that I am not responsible for peoples feelings and reactions what so ever. I can be careful and mindful not to hurt someone and still hurt them. Because I cannot control them or their reactions. Because 9 times out of 10 their reaction has nothing to do with me, It has to do with something or someone else. I don't know why I placed myself in this position. Well, nevermind, I do know why. Someone else put me there, my parents. My parents didn't provide a safe environment, an 8 year old was put in charge of caring for the well being of her younger brothers and sisters. Making sure we were fed and clean and dressed. At 8 years old I did my best to change their diapers, get them dressed, feed them, clean up after us,  play with them, and make sure we were safe when my Mom was blacked out and my Dad in jail.  I am a Momma bear, I believe its something that nature made me but was also nurtured into. My brothers and sisters are my first cubs. And over the years, as we grew in our grandparents care, I desperately wanted to be their big sister, but it never happened because I felt like their Momma bear. Trying to protect them. Trying to love them for our parents. And as we've grown older, I always hoped that the bridge would be closed and I would be their big sister. But it hasn't quite happened yet. And I think it's just a huge conflict in me. The need to be their Momma bear and the want to be their sister. And recently I felt responsible for their emotions and feelings. But I realized I am no more responsible for them than anyone else in our family. But they are my first baby cubs, and I want whats best for them, I want them to be happy and healthy. I'd do anything for them. And then I thought, they are adults now, and even if I was their actual Mom, I still wouldn't be responsible for their emotions and feelings. They are. All of this is really hard to marry in my head. But for the first time I feel like I am starting to understand my part in my relationship with them. Where to go from here, I am not sure.  

grief

noun

deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.      

“If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them."  —James O’Barr

"Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity." —Terri Guillemets

"It is the capacity to feel consuming grief and pain and despair that also allows me to embrace love and joy and beauty with my whole heart. I must let it all in." —Anna White

anxiety

noun

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

"Monsters don't sleep under your bed, they scream in your head." - therebelyouth

“He was the ultimate experiment in Nature Versus Nurture, and she imagined he must be engaged in a constant battle between what he was and what he wanted to be.”  -Larissa Iorne