It was a normal day and then poop happened.

This past Wednesday was a normal day, nothing out of the ordinary. Kids to school, me to work, etc... But when anxiety and trauma are involved any normal day can turn sideways with just the smallest amount of poop. And yes, poop was the reason for the day going sideways. See, my son woke up, "not feeling well,' but no fever, no clear signs of illness and so I sent him on his way to school with the instruction that if he felt worse to go to the nurse and she'd call home to possibly get him from school. It was their Dad's night to have them and so I wasn't going to see for myself how he was doing. I got a text from their Dad saying he was clearly not feeling well, appearing weak and tired. And at that moment, my brain started racing. Sitting at work thinking about  how my son is in pain and how his needs are going to met,the way he needs them to be. I had a burning in my chest that this was gonna be a disaster and my son was going to hate me forever. I was trying really hard to resist offering to pick him up and take care of him, because I do *know* that he is okay, that he is with his Dad who will do his very best to keep him comfy and safe and I know that this is an important thing for  all 3 of us. But I begin to feel a warm wave over me, panic coming over me, and I am just really uncomfortable. And I just want these bad feelings to go away. Kristy of past would have done all she could to push these annoying feelings down because I wanted to enjoy my evening of pizza, wine, movies and relaxing and I didn't want these sad and anxious feelings to invade and ruin it.  

But. 

I am learning that locking these feelings away doesn't mean they go away or even change how I feel any little bit. So, on my drive home, I said okay Kristy, why do I feel my son won't be taken care of? Why do I feel this way? He is with his Dad, he loves him and he it totally capable to handle his son being sick and I know he will tell me of he worsens or needs my help. I realize I feel this way because I wasn't taken care of properly by my parents. And so, I tell my Little Kristy that we are safe, we are well. I went through that and it’s not happening anymore. I move onto why I feel my son will hate me or think I wasn't there for him. And again, I remind myself of all the things I do for him, all the times I have comforted him and the fact that will never waver. So, why do I feel this way? Because I have love/hate feelings for my parents. I remind myself that those days are over that I have found love and comfort I need with my kids. And that this happened in the past and its all over with. And I allowed the feelings that were there just be. And I cried, I cried so hard because it's sad. It's so sad that I didn't have the things I really wanted. I didn't have the stability and safety and comfort that I needed. And I was thinking about how these bad things have happened to me. The enormity of this feeling makes me scared to connect to it, sometimes to even think about it. As my therapist and I have talked about a million times, this connecting back to my childhood and the bad things isn't me experiencing them again. It's me accepting them. And I don't know, it doesn't feel that simple, it feels all consuming and sad. Now, I am almost home, ruminating over all feelings I begin to realize that everything I have done has been dictated by anxiety and trauma. All of it from fear.  I am not saying that I regret or feel bad for those decisions but that I can't believe how long I thought I was over it all when in fact it ran my life. And my life probably would still lead here because I wasn't the only player in the decisions and relationships in my life but that I now see very clearly how my trauma and anxiety was at the wheel.  I just sat with all these thoughts and feelings and let them be, I let them have their space and honestly they didn't stay too long. I was able to have quick talk with a friend and get to my wine, pizza and movie. I also slept well that night and woke up without a migraine, neck pain or much exhaustion.  Usually episodes like this derail me, they take weeks to pick apart. I spend a significant amount of time with neck pain and migraines so being able to connect tothe past and wake up feeling better than in the past feels reassuring.  

By the way, the reason all this came about is because my son, was constipated and once he pooped he was back to being himself.  So, something as small as having to poop triggered me. That's what anxiety and trauma can do to a person.

The next day, in therapy we talked about what happened. I have also noticed that my daughter used to be a trigger for me and that’s starting to subside and my son has been come the source of triggers. And I realize that it isn't their personality or gender that’s  triggering, it’s their age. She’s moving out of age 8 and he’s 6. The age 6-8 seems to be the most triggering age bracket for me.

I try so very hard to make their childhood (for obvious reasons) full of innocence. I want them to have the magic of it. And in some ways it is very therapeutic for me. I don’t remember what it was like to enjoy the magic and innocence. And in therapy yesterday I wondered if/when the 6-8 year old heals and gives me the wheel back will I still have the energy and love for the magic in their childhood. And she said “Kristy, you will always be you, and Little Kristy’s will always be apart of you, we’re just letting them get our their sadness, we’re giving them what they needed back then so that they can spend all their days playing, what they should have been able to do when you where that age.” I was so relieved, I get so much joy in celebrating all the holidays, and all the things with my kids.  I love that part of me. I don’t want it to ever go away.  

This also makes me so sad for Little Kristy. I wanna hug her so tight and dance through rain puddles, have a snowball fight, ride the waves in the sun and jump in leaf piles without a care in world. She deserves that. 

Maybe that’s a promise her. I promise her to always see the joy, the magic and the innocence in being a kid and to enjoy it, fully.

“Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment. “ J. Donald Walters

“Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly. “  Hazrat Ali Ibn Abu-Talib A.S