Somewhere over the rainbow....

Sometimes I walk into my therapists office all confident, thinking, I have this thing handled, what could I possibly have to talk to her about. I even think about canceling appointments, because, what's the point, I'm feeling good. I am doing the work, I'm handling my shit. This was me this past week, except I wasn't that great. The two days prior I was teary eyed, for no reason that I could find. I thought I was overwhelmed with life. Just being a working mom and all. But I walk into therapy and sit down and tell her about the crying. And she asks me what I did. And what I did is what I always do, which is wait until I have time to deal with my crying. It's frustrating to cry and even worse when you haven't a clue why. And I literally have no time to lose my shit. I don't. So, my therapist told me I need to schedule it. Like Tuesday at 10, I go into the bathtub and cry, for as long as I need. This is going to be the worlds hardest task for me. When she told me, I felt an actual pain in my stomach. I am not someone who isn't sad, or refuses to be sad. I will admit anger, is a scary emotion for me but sad, I am cool with sad. Except, I don't have time for it. And who has time for a sad Kristy. Kristy is brave, Kristy is silver lining, Kristy is happy go lucky and that's who everyone has come to love.  It's really hard for me to let people see the sad. Because it's really dark in there. And it's hard for me for more than one reason, one, I am afraid that I won't be loved for all the things that I am, secondly, I am afraid to darken anyone else's life with my darkness. Another level of why I don't want to be sad or angry is I spent my childhood in darkness, I don't want to spend anymore time there. Everything I have been through, everything I have survived, I shouldn't be sad or angry anymore. I deserve the rest of my life to be meadows.

But, I know this isn't how it works. I know that I have to spend time being sad. I know that by denying myself the ability to cry and be sad, that I am shutting little Kristy down. And I know the more I cut her off the louder she gets. I have to constantly be reminded to allow the feelings and emotions when they come. I know that I can't have the light without the dark, the up without the down and the happy without the sad.  And as I write this I still struggle with the looming cry day. A, "I don't want to... you can't make me," feeling. But ultimately I will, because I want to be happy. I want to have peace. Actually, I will have peace. That's what I deserve and I am willing to work for it.

"To enjoy the rainbow, first enjoy the rain."  -Paulo Coelho