The Greatest Love Of All

The self love I am learning through therapy feels HUGE to me, most days. And other days I feel I am learning things that everyone already knows. It is a very bizarre feeling, to conquer something huge in therapy, and then realize, most of the world has been living like that, knowing that feeling. I say bizarre, but it also makes me feel sad and childish. And then I remember, there are people out there, learning how to keep people at an emotional safe distance, fighting for their self worth, and learning to love themselves. That I am not alone. I am not the only person on the planet that didn't learn these basic self love skills, I am not the only one who grew up with trauma. And knowing that, is bittersweet. Because this is a struggle, it's an every day mindfuck that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But, knowing that there is one (and there are more than one, I know) person out there makes me feel less alone and I am thankful that I am not alone. Because the mountains I have to climb, appear smaller and less rocky. I am not the first to climb them, nor will I be the last. This blog is for me, but it's also for you, yes you, the one out there struggling. You are not alone. I am here too.

I recently realized that this blog is a brain dump for me,  I walked into therapy last year, hoping to find my love for myself. Trusting my therapist when she told me it was time to take the book of my childhood off the high shelf I put it on (where it was barely reachable) and reshelf it within me, in the right compartments. And I know that we aren't through the book, and things haven't been put away properly, but I know that the book is apart of me now. And I can feel it, process it, learn from it, write here and let it go.

In therapy, and in life, you may hear me say, I know but I don't feel it. I know that I am loved, but I don't feel it. For some time, I thought I was broken. I felt I had to stand on my own two feet and never fall because I couldn't be loved if I was less than perfect. And WHOA, that was a particularly hard sentence to write.  Because it hurts to write that truth out. I know some family and friends will think I haven't heard them or seen their love, I do, I have. Like I said, I know they love me, I don't feel it. And it's not their fault, and for a very a long time, I thought it was my fault. My fault that I wasn't lovable unless perfect. That they saw every misstep, every mistake, every imperfection over the good things I possess. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still believe that. But, todays win comes in knowing that it's not my fault. And recognizing it. I have my children to thank for that. Because since the day my daughter was born, something inside me changed. And until last week I didn't notice, I couldn't recognize it. They love me, unconditionally and I feel it. Their love for me, is what sparked this change, this need to love myself. I know that once I love myself more, that all the people that have been loving me, I will feel it, I just need time to get there. I have all the faith and hope that I will get there. And perhaps, the reason my favorite song as a child was 'The Greatest Love Of All,' by Whitney Houston, is because there is a self love little Kristy in there.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ― Lao Tzu