She Ebbs and She Flows

Many around me may not realize how low my self esteem can get. They may doubt that I have low lows, because for the most part, I prefer to fight with my smile and love, that's my superpower. For some this blog may be surprising and they may have negative things to say about it.

And I will admit, it took me by surprise that someone would actually think negative things about this process I'm going though. Something I'm beginning to learn, is many reactions have very little to do with me and a lot to do with that person.

It doesn't mean this didn't set me back. Because it did. It sent me to a place I'm used to being. To my old coping habits. Crying, in a dark room with the door shut (in my head -and in real life), feeling helpless. Unable to move or fight back. See, that was my defense as a child, to hide. I couldn't fight back, I was too helpless. Too weak. Too little. Too young. And for some reason when I am attacked (in any form), A little Kristy pops up and says, "in the past, when we weren't safe, we just hide and stay quiet, so come join me there again, I'll keep you safe." She's an automatic voice, one I hear now, but still follow, my therapist says acknowledging the voice, is progress,  but questioning it is the next step. I spiraled for days, about who I was, what my intentions where, and I questioned my worth. I lost my voice and I stopped listening to my gut. That quickly, a negative remark sent me waaaay back. Luckily, I have some awesome family and friends, who quickly reminded me and my little Kristy's of who I am, and why I'm doing this. This is for me to heal. I deserve to tell my story. I want to share to help someone else at the very least feel less alone. This is my journey and I get to chose how I walk it. Just like every other human on this planet.  I can be grateful for the family and friends that have helped me and have been apart of my successes and failures AND I can share my story to heal without that meaning anything less than that. I don't have to spend my life reminding people of that, either. And I don't have to remind myself of that, as well. I know, I am who I am today because of the people around me, but I also know, I'm here because of me too, because I am a strong willed, smart, loving person, and I am a warrior and a survivor. 

I've learned through this, in the past 2 weeks that hope is an action and a feeling. When I'm in my low, I rely on the words between my therapist and I, the work and the idea of a better day, and to be truthful, I don't always believe there will be a better day, but I do the work anyways (the other option didn't get me very far, so work it is). But for anyone who has been down there before, you know this feeling. Where you're in the ocean and your feet are stuck in the sand and your head is just above water and the waves crash over your head putting you under for just a bit before your head just barely pops up for a breath in between. Anyone who can relate to that. That working through that feeling of barely above water, you're actually doing hope.

Hope the feeling, it's what I have now. I'm on the wave, riding it, seeing the coastline knowing my feet will be on the sand, soon enough. Today, I can enjoy the ride because I've done some really hard work lately, and I know I'll get there. And I should be proud.

"Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." -Victor Hugo