Time travel is exhausting.

Healing trauma that has happened to me is super inconvenient and annoying. I took some days off work, took a small beach trip and one day of missing a meal triggered a little Kristy to take the driver seat. I was stuck in a visceral flashback (my actual body is back in time, feeling all the things it felt during the time of trauma) for about 10 days. I was uncontrollably itchy and unable to feel settled or comfortable. I knew where this all came from, I knew I didn't feel safe. I didn't know how to take back control. Trailer park Kristy took control of the wheel in my 37 year old body. This Kristy, was often full of bug bites, and had lice so many times that her mom just cut her hair short to make it easier to manage. This Kristy saw drug deals, her mother blacked out, unable to care for her or her siblings, she got yelled at repeatedly for not keeping a clean house and often hit across the face when she didn't do as she was told, she was molested and was forced to do sexual things to other people. This Kristy did her very best to make everyone happy, she did her very best to keep her siblings and herself safe and fed, she did what the men in the house told her to do, even though she knew it was wrong, she knew there was no where to run to be safe. Biologically her brain had to disconnect her from all this horror, she had to go somewhere else in her head to actually survive. My brain protected me, it kept me safe, without it, I wouldn't be here today.  And now that I have made it here, and I am now safe, my brain is still protecting me in the same fashion. Detecting false danger and little Kristy's are taking the wheel, begging to heal from the times she didn't get to be a kid, for when she didn't get to run away from danger.  

Back to the past 10 days, I knew, who this Kristy was, I knew what I had to do, but it was when I was on vacation, when I wanted a break, from life, from my brain. But, you can't hide from trauma, you can't hide from the work and I could no longer hide from this Kristy, she was not letting go till I listened to what she needed and gave it to her.  This past Tuesday I finally gave it to her, I went into work, heart racing, clammy and nauseous, I was just not doing well. I needed this feeling to pass, so, I knew I had to move, I needed to run away from this perceived danger. During my lunch break, I went for a jog through the woods,  and I cried, I didn't hold back, I let it go. And then, out loud, I said, I am safe, there is no danger here, no one to disappoint, I am safe. If I am threatened, or put in harms way, I can run, I can retaliate, I can use my body and voice to protect myself. I am no longer forced to stay and endure any pain, I no longer have to take abuse. I have control over my body, I can escape, I can fight back. And I finished my job and walked back into work, feeling relieved. The next morning I woke up and realized what happened. I walked out of a flashback. I gave little Kristy space to cry and to hurt and then I let her run away and then I, Kristy of today, made her safe and came back into herself. You guys, I DID ALL THE THINGS. I became aware of a flashback, I said hello to little Kristy, I gave her space to heal and then I remembered that I am actually the one in charge and am safe. And little Kristy left the wheel and I got to be at the wheel. I was present. Do you know what this means, this means, I can do it. I can heal, I can be present. I am the hero of my life. Did you read that, read it again, I AM THE HERO OF MY LIFE.  And when I realized what I accomplished, I felt over whelming joy and clarity. And then I treated myself to a glass of wine and crab crakes for dinner to celebrate.

"Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible, it just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed." - Rick Riordan