Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Mom. You left when I was 8, I think after your birthday, but I am not sure, so maybe the last birthday we celebrated together was when I was 7. I do know why you left. But why didn't you come back. You promised you'd be back at the next holiday, which would have been my birthday. But you didn't show. You never showed. And to be honest I was in my twenties before I stopped thinking you were just gonna show up at a random holiday. I did still always think that I would see you again. I did. It's really something I am having trouble reconciling, that I won't ever talk to you, see you, hug you, ever again. I held onto that for so long, I thought I would find you or I thought you'd find us. I never thought much about what would happen after that but it didn't matter. I am a mom, and my daughter is 8 and my son is 6 and I just don't know how you stayed away, it breaks my heart to think about a life without mine. And you made a new family (who I adore, I actually am more grateful that you had them than anything) and you couldn't translate that feeling to us? I just want to know, how you did it, how you were able to stay away. You loved us, right? You had to, I know you didn't have an ice heart, you were an addict and a mean (the nastiest) drunk but you weren't without a heart. You loved fiercely. So I just can't wrap my head around it. Even when you were diagnosed with cancer and knew it was terminal why you didn't reach out. I wax and wean with how I feel about you. I love you, I miss you and I hate you. You were one of these people that when you were great, you were absolutely the best, everyone wanted to be like you and be around you, but when you were awful, you were the pits, the absolute worst.  But you were my mom, the one I was given. And I loved you and I still love you and miss you everyday. I see you in my kids. My daughter, your granddaughter, is so smart, just like you, she just gets it all so naturally, and my son, he's just all laughs and giggles, he loves a good party, just like you. I see you in your daughters, one is your twin and the other just loves love and she loves music like you did. And your sons, one is just the fiercest Dad you'll ever meet and the other just loves to love people and party but he too has stayed away. Oh, if I could understand what kept you away and what could have brought you back maybe I could see him more. Because, I miss him like crazy too. Mom, I wish you were here now, I wish I could be celebrating your birthday with you. I wish I could have this conversation with you. I wish I would have had more confidence before you died and to have found you. But that isn't the reality, the reality is that I can make my own ending and I can celebrate your birthday today by listening to all your favorite songs that I remember listening to with you and toast you with a 7&7.  Happy Birthday to my mom, a sister, a daughter, a grandmother and an aunt. We miss you like crazy.

"Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." -  unknown