Who would have thought that being nosy isn't how I was born, it's a coping mechanism.

Part I

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am an extremely nosy person. And it's not because I want to know bad things, it's not because I want to tell all the people all the things about peoples personal life. It's just this strong desire I have to know things, it makes my blood boil, it makes my chest burn and once I know, I am relieved. I thought this was how I was born, I didn't see it as too terrible of a character flaw because I don't judge and wouldn't use it to hurt anyone. Turns out, that it's not very nice to be nosy even if its done without meanness.  Like I said, I thought it was just the way I was born. But, no, this isn't the way someone is born. This is a coping mechanism. I was raised without routine, without knowledge of my next meal or who was taking me to school, who was going to be in my house, or even who was going to take care of me, if anyone. How could a kid prepare for anything, or what to expect. So, I wonder what a kid does to cope with this kind of situation. She becomes hyper vigilant, she becomes super aware of her surroundings, she thinks the more information she can take in the better she can predict the future and prepare for all situations. SO. I am nosy because it makes me feel safe. The therapist and I talked about this and just the thought of letting go of that desire, to ignore it or ride it out gave me extreme anxiety. And the first step is to recognize when it happens and let it be. That makes me so uneasy, how am I going to do this, the need to pull information is deep inside me, it's like telling hunger pain that it's not real and to not eat and ignore it. But I will try, I don't what will happen but I will try. I am safe now, I can learn new habits, right?There's no reason to be nosy, I am an adult, in charge of my life.  Well that's what I keep telling myself, even if I don't believe it.  

Part II

I have an incredibly hard time with people who hurt their family or friends because of their own selfishness. People who put themselves first and can't even see how they hurt the ones they love the most. I often find myself obsessing about it. And wanting to make sure the person they're hurting knows they're cared and loved for. I don't why I am like this, and honestly it annoys the poop out of me. And I don't know why, and I want to be able to rid myself of this obsession, I don't want it go away, I just want to stop obsessing over other peoples morality. First, we start with why. Jealously, I am jealous that people have an ability to automatically put themselves above others. When I do it, it's painful, it's a thought process, its going against what feels right. I am jealous, that most people are ignorant to other peoples feelings. I want to do what I need for myself without feeling remorse, without feeling I don't deserve it, without thinking I owe someone something for this time I have been given for myself. My therapist also asked me to take those feelings and close my eyes and see what comes up. And it was very interesting, I flashed back to the day I came home with my daughter and I was breastfeeding her. And someone that came to visit me said, "you know, if you don't eat right, than your breast milk is bad for your child and you're not going to be feeding her well." Which, I know this isn't true, I know my body would sacrifice me to feed and provide my baby with nourishment. But this made me feel, less than, like I wasn't enough for my new baby.  Something I researched fiercely. Something I knew was the best for her and I. But yet, I was left with feelings of not being enough for her. And there it is, I wasn't enough for my mom to pick me over the men in her life, over her own life. I wasn't enough for her to stay and get better. And I am still not enough to stick up for myself, I am not enough for myself. Am I enough for my kids? Am I enough for my friends and family? I don't think I am. I feel I have never been enough, nor do I think I am ever going to be. 

Because I don't know that I am safe or enough, I *need* to know when I care for someone,  if they’re going to walk out of my life or hurt me, because of course they are and I *need* to prepare for it. And that is my obsession. My need to prepare for disasters. 

As I was sitting there with my therapist after this discussion and she asked why I might feel like I am not enough. Why is it my job to be enough? And without thought, I told her a story about a conversation between a family member and myself when I was 16.  She sat there, astounded by what just happened. I thought I revealed something in that story. Nope. Not at all, that story had nothing to do with what she asked me. What happened, is a very protective little Kristy took over and said not now. This little Kristy wouldn't let me dig that deep. Looking back at the session I was extremely animated and loud in the beginning and suddenly I was calm and quiet. We talked about how we need to respect both little Kristy's, the one that's feeling not enough and the one that felt the need to protect that little Kristy and let it be for now. I have never felt more crazy in my life and amazed by my brain. I also left feeling more disconnected from the little Kristy's in the past year. Back to the,  "I know this stuff happened to me, but I don't feel it." Whatever this little Kristy feels or knows, is deep, dark, sad and shamed. I want to heal her but I am also scared of what she holds.  Our first step into this was for me to come up with a mantra for her. Whenever I feel like I am not enough for anything or anyone I need to repeat this mantra. This homework annoyed me, but I did it, with help from a friend.  "Be me, be damaged, be who I am, from birth to today because she's enough."  The hard part will be remembering to use it. 

"And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope. It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat. Because looking for heaven, found the devil in me, whoa, it's always darkest before the dawn."     -Florence+The Machine

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." -unknown

"A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor." -unknown

"Be me, be damaged, be who I am, from birth to today because she's enough." -Kristy