The mocking pile of clothes.

About a month ago I wanted to go through my clothes and donate what I no longer wear or fit in. I had taken a bunch of clothes out of my closet and made a pile to go through. I ran out of time and put the pile in my dresser. And then I traveled. And then school started for the kids and I. The pile has grown and over flowed into 2 buckets. And I just haven’t found the time to put it all away. And at first I felt good about the pile, I had let go of a mess. I was giving up some control. After some time, the pile started to mock me. It said, you’re lazy, you’re a bad mom, you’re dirty,  you’re a horrible house keeper. And it grew in size, it just felt too big to conquer. I believed the pile when it mocked me. It was a daily reminder of how worthless I am. Then, 2 days ago, I walked by the pile and I saw sadness. And I realized that I am depressed. That pile is my depression in visible form. I didn’t think I had depression. I wasn’t having any suicidal thoughts. I wasn’t stuck in my bed all day. I wasn’t sad all the time. I woke up everyday ready to take on the world. I laughed and smiled and I went to work. I went out with friends. I played with my kids and had fun. I ate and I still exercised. I continued to do every day like every other day. I didn’t think I was depressed because my life didn’t look any different. Except my inability to conquer this pile of clothes. Except this pile of clothes mocked me all day long. I looked at that pile of clothes, growing, mocking me and making me less able to conquer anything. I finally saw this pile as the growing and never ending sadness I was feeling inside.

Once I was able to see the pile of clothes as my depression expressed outwardly, it made it feel a little lighter. I felt like I could try and conquer it.  I think just acknowledging it allowed me to have more compassion for myself.

Depression isn’t always what it looks like. Depression isn’t always suicidal, depression isn’t always debilitating, depression isn’t always outward sadness. That doesn’t mean you aren’t depressed. Sometimes it’s an overwhelming feeling that something will never end and that you will never conquer that feeling.

“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”  - Elizabeth Wurtzel

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”  - Elizabeth Gilbert

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” -Elizabeth Wurtzel