There was a huge difference between what was said and what I heard.

This blog entry is difficult to write, especially since it will include two people that I love and that love me dearly and I hope they know that I am writing this because of the struggle in my head, not because they did anything wrong. They navigated this the best way possible and it's me who is struggling with the conversations in my head.

I submitted a blog entry to be published in an online magazine and it got accepted. I still can’t  believe it and only told a few people because I am cautiously excited since it hasn't gone live yet. But I told a friend and she was very supportive and excited for me. A few days later she was confiding in me that she was told to consider her stories/poems for publishing. I am thrilled for her. Her writing is beautiful and clear and everyone should have an opportunity to read her work. But the voices in my head were telling me that she read my work and thought if Kristy's terrible writing can get published so I shouldn't have an issue getting mine published. I know that she never thought that, I do. But there is this ugly voice that tears into everything that I find my worth in.  Like when a friend called the other day to tell me that she didn't want me to come over because her daughter was sick and needed to rest. Totally understandable, I'd do the same. I mean, she actually called me to make sure I understood her correctly, she didn't want to hurt my feelings and she wanted to make sure I didn't misunderstand her tone via text. Shortly after we hung up, a voice said to me that she hates me, she just doesn't want me around. I know, she didn't mean that. I know that she cares about my feelings and this had nothing to do with how she feels about me. Neither of these things do. Both friends, were and are loving and supporting people and yet my brain know exactly how to twist it and hurt me. These voices have been there my whole life. I didn't always know they were there but that's because I have lots of confusing (anxiety) chatter in my head that over the past 2 years I have started to acknowledge, to challenge and heal. I am getting much better at acknowledging chatter and trying to challenge it. For the past 2 weeks I have been challenging these voices, telling them that my work is good and that my friends love me and what they said was what they meant. I have tried sitting with the little Kristy voice to try and figure out which one is talking, what she is saying, why she is saying it and what I can do to heal her. To help me move on to being a better listener.  I haven't yet connected with her. I think it's because she provides some kind of security blanket for me.  Maybe she's protecting me from feeling a grave loss. Maybe she thinks that if I think I am a horrible person that doesn't deserve goodness and kindness, when anyone is mean to me, or leaves me or hurts me, it wont feel so bad because I expected it. Because that's what I deserve. This is so hard, why do I think I deserve to be hurt or left alone.  I do know why, these things have happened to me over and over again as a child and as an adult. But why is it still there, why is it so hard to challenge. I am trying so hard to see my worth, to feel it. I am fighting a war in my head every day, every second, even in my sleep. All the time I am fighting and I will continue to fight. But, when will it be enough? When will I be enough for me? I have been looking for a sign my whole life as proof that I am worthy of more. Something external, and now that I think about it, there are plenty of external things that have shown me I am. My two wonderful friends are showing me that. My kids show me.  My family has shown me. And now I realize that I need to see it inside me. I am so scared. To be truthful, I am scared to see my worth, what if I suddenly become someone I don't think is worthy. What if I let myself down or worse, my kids. What happens when something bad happens, when someone leaves or hurts me. This is so scary and frustrating and exhausting. But I do know it's so worth it. I will try, but that doesn't mean that the voices lose all of the times. It just means I am never giving up.     

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L. Hay

'We are infected by our own misunderstanding of how our own minds work." - Kevin Kelly

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." -Buddha

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” – Fred Rogers