I am not perfect and for that I should be loved.

My goals for 2018 are to continue self care like exercising my body and mind regularly, getting on top of my health and eating well. In the beginning of the year I took a day and made phone call after phone call, making appointments for doctors and the dentist. It has been 9 years since I have been to a dentist and I am embarrassed to admit this. I was discouraged to go regularly because of money and the embarrassment that I felt at the last dentist appointment I had, where an assistant asked me if I even brushed even though I brush twice a day and floss despite it being very painful for me. My mouth is super small and my teeth super sensitive. A friend offered to drive 40 minutes to my house to pick me up to drive me 50 minutes to a dental office that was recommended for how compassionate they are. They are going to stay with me the whole visit and drive 50 minutes back to my house and 40 minutes back to theirs.  As soon as they offered  a voice in my head started talking to me. It said, "how embarrassing, are you a little baby, a little whittle baby needs a friend to come along."  She made me feel shame that this person will know how poorly I treated my teeth. I have been noncommittal with this person. But they continue to be persistent on being there for me. And every time I think about the appointment this voice speaks up. I am forcing myself to go and allow my friend to tag along. I don't want to, but I am.

Then, I walk into therapy and I tell her about the dentist and the voice. She asks me, "What do you think this Little Kristy needs?" I don't know what she needs, I tried to think about her needs and I see nothing, an empty room, like I haven't a clue what to offer her. But mostly I just wanted her to shut up and go away. Then she asked, "what good has this Little Kristy done, what is she good for?" And I realize, she motivates me, she is so mean to me and I always want to prove her wrong by doing everything on my own. And I realize she is my willpower. She is my survival. So as mean as she is, I like her, I don't want her to go, I fear without her I will be lazy or unmotivated or I won't survive. But she is mean, and makes me push people away, she doesn't allow me to be vulnerable. She needs to know that I am more than capable to care for myself now. That I am able to be vulnerable and it doesn't mean rejection will follow it. That I can be imperfect and still be loved. As I sit here and write this, I now realize every little Kristy wants to loved for exactly who she is. That's all. All the little Kristy's are fighting to keep her loved ones close and loving her. They want love and relationships. I have attachment and abandonment issues. Somehow I have to figure out how to give all of them the reassurance that I am perfectly imperfect. That I don't have to give all of myself to be loved. I don't have to be a certain way to be loved. That as I am, I deserve love. I deserved to be loved by others and myself. 

SO, how do I get to the part where little Kristy's get to be themselves without fear of abandonment or rejection? First, I need to sit in them and let them feel their emotions, Which is hard because I like to fix things immediately and this process is definitely not my speed. I know that this little Kristy is essentially responsible for my survival, my successes, so of course, I am not so sure I want to get rid of her.  I have to remember that I am not getting rid of her. I am simply healing her. Letting her be a kid. I need ease her mind that I will do the things, I will take care of us and she can play and be a kid and not have the burden of safety or survival. 

Now, Here we are, after my dentist appointment. Yes, I went! My friend took me! I made follow up appointments. I did it. And I cried afterwards. I don't want to say it was easy. I heard a little Kristy feel shame when the hygienist kept saying, "you're doing good."  Little Kristy was screaming in my head, "I am not a baby, I can do this, please stop talking to me like I am a child."  It felt very embarrassing for me to share all the work I will have to have done to my teeth with my friend. To have another person witness how I neglected myself. Its like I was sharing with the world how broken and decayed I am inside. I was the most vulnerable I have been with anyone, face to face, that wasn't my therapist, ever.

BUT, I wasn't rejected. I was shown compassion, understanding and love. I hope this is the beginning of changing little Kristy's mean tone. Showing her that I got it. Showing her that we are lovable during our dark days, our brokenness, after we've allowed ourselves to decay. We don't have to be perfect to be loved.

And I am on my way to treating myself better than I have in the longest time. I deserve to be happy and healthy. And I am going to show the little Kristy's that they can rest and play. That I am here, I am going to keep us safe and I am going to take good care of us.  

 “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”  - Anna Quindlen

“Our bodies are our gardens to which our wills are gardeners”  - William Shakespeare

“Nourishing yourself in a way that helps you blossom in the direction you want to go is attainable, and you are worth the effort.” - Deborah Day

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” - C. Joybell C.

“Today and onwards, I stand proud, for the bridges I've climbed, for the battles I've won, and for the examples I've set, but most importantly, for the person I have become. I like who I am now, finally, at peace with me...”  - Heather James