I didn't know what I didn't know.

This one is going to be hard for me to get through. Up until recently my struggles have been dealing with being abandoned. Dealing with my parents addictions and as a result their inability to keep me safe. I thought that was all to my story. I thought once I started make peace with their addictions and the abandonment that I would be whole again. But for sometime I have been struggling with my appearance. Am I fat? Am I ugly? Trying to find a balance between being happy and being healthy. But always feeling that my worth is somehow tied to my appearance, to my sexual appeal. I want to say I am the kind of person who has confidence in myself, but I don't. I often find myself asking those around me to compare me to other woman and their shapes because I am unsure of mine. I am not sure what I look like. I had a photo taken of me recently, and immediately I hated it. I revisited the photo a few days later and saw it differently.  I didn't love the photo but I liked it much more. It looked different.

This happens often. I just don't know what I look like. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I am not sure what or who is looking back at me.

Ever heard the saying, "I didn't know what I didn't know." This sums me up in so many ways. I didn't know people didn't feel this way. I didn't know to mention it because I didn't know that it was important or worth mentioning. I didn't know that people didn't know what they looked like. I don't know when I am hungry until I am starving. I don't know when I am tired until I am exhausted. My systems only alert me when they are in the red and all alarms are going off. I didn't know that this wasn't normal. 

Walking into therapy today, I wanted to address my confidence in my appearance. I never thought that we would talk about how my body was violated. Today my therapist said, "a lot of people who were physically and sexually violated as a child have difficulty seeing themselves." I immediately said, FULL STOP, that wasn't me. But that's not true, I was. That was me. This body I live in was physically and sexually assaulted. This same body. I may have shed some skin, hair and nails, but this body, this body has endured sexual and physical assault. And ignoring that hasn't served me. It's time for me to give my body love and praise for enduring pain. I must try to be aware of my body. Be in my body. And realize that when I am feeling powerless that it is no longer true. I am in my body now. I have all the power over my body. I can run away, I can hit and punch and defend myself now. It may be the same body but I am no longer in danger. And I am in control of this body. 

"Dissociation gets you through a brutal experience, letting your basic survival skills operate unimpeded…Your ability to survive is enhanced as the ability to feel is diminished…All feeling are blocked; you ‘go away.’ You are disconnected from the act, the perpetrator & yourself…Viewing the scene from up above or some other out-of-body perspective is common among sexual abuse survivors.”  - Renee Frederickson

“Girls are genius at getting through sexual abuse. Often the only way to get through is not to feel. And that is exactly what these fantasy worlds allow: They give girls a place to go so they don't have to be present in their violated bodies. Brilliant.”  - Patti Feuerisen