Writing prompt day # 1

Today is the first of 4 nights of writing. I’ve started this writing challenge for trauma and it consists of 4 consecutive days of writing for 20 minutes a day about the things that bother you during the day and keep you up at night. Here goes.

Monday night 9/17/18

Death. Being scared of dying. Dying to soon. Not being ready to die. Dying suddenly. Just dying. Missing out on all the amazing things this world still has to offer. Not seeing my kids anymore. Not knowing anymore love. It makes my body warm up, my chest hurt, my stomach turn. It worries me so much. My earliest memory of this fear is when I was 6 or 7, maybe earlier. I was at my grandparents house. On Ralworth Rd, in the front bedroom, which I think at the time was “the boys room.” On the bottom bunk, I think the carpet in that room was blue. I laid there, praying to God, not to take me in my sleep. I would repeat this over and over and over again until I fell asleep. There were so many nights I silently prayed to stay alive. I am sure there have been some nights that my brain didn’t remind me of my mortality. But they are few and far between. There are many times during the day when I am reminded of it. Now, I also think about my children’s mortality. I believe what I feel in my gut is a blessing and a curse. I am forever aware my short presence here on Earth and the chance that I won’t ever be here again and so maybe I won’t even take it for granted, maybe I work a little harder on myself. And care a little more about everything around me just to maintain survival. Just to ensure my safety. Which is what I suppose this massive fear all stems from.  The fact that I am very aware of how NOT safe I am. How anyone at any given time can take that away from me, for their own reasons, whatever they may be. And see, in my life experience, humans aren’t the nicest people. I have had plenty of them hurt me, especially adults hurt me. Me as a child was hurt by the ones that are supposed to love me most. Also hurt by people they didn’t keep away from me. And I guess, my general feeling is that I am not safe. This world isn’t safe. And that I need to be aware, I need to be in control because no one else is going to do it for me. They didn’t before. Humans are flawed and egocentric, why would they care about endangering me, a nobody. How am I ever going to walk this earth, and not be on guard? But how can I spend the rest of my life being on guard. I know it’s not healthy for me. I know that it’ll actually increase my chances of being hurt and my death. I don’t know, I just want to be lighter, I just want to be confident. I just want to live forever. I can’t believe that even after everything I have been through, all the pain I have felt. That I find being alive a far better than being not here.