The scariest night in my adult life.

This week has been really tough on me. Tuesday night my worst nightmare was coming true. If you have read any of my other posts you know that I am petrified of a home invasion. That I have difficulty sleeping and feeling safe. Over the past year, I have been working on it and that I have improved. But Tuesday night I was woken at 12:16 am to what I thought was my window alarm going off. I went right to my ring door bell app to see what may have caused it. I was thinking the worst but in my head I was saying to myself that it was just one of the cats or maybe the dog. Opened up the ring door bell app and there was a man I had never seen before, trying to open my front door and it was my keypad alarm that was going off.  A man was at my door, in the middle of the night trying to break into my home and I was alone with my 2 kids. I yelled into my phone (you can speak to the person through the app) “This is not your home, leave now and I am calling 911.” And he did not leave. He just kept trying to enter a pin number. I called 911 and moved to the front of the house where I could see him at my door from the second floor window. He left my door and went to his car parked in the street. I saw him root around in his car and then return to my door. It was dark and so obviously I couldn’t tell if he had a weapon. I remained on the phone with the 911 dispatcher while I walked all around the second floor of my home looking for something to use to injure the man if he did succeed in entering my home. I grabbed a curling iron first because something in my hand just felt better and then I saw my vacuum cleaner. That was my plan, I’d throw the vacuum cleaner down from the top of the steps onto him if he got in and hope that it knocked him out until the cops got there. My daughter woke up about 15 minutes in and I had to tell her that there was a man at the door trying to get in and that I was on the phone with the cops and to stay put and be quiet. I felt completely frozen, I felt like I wasn’t doing anything to protect my family. I was scared for my life, for my children’s life. I was waiting for the moment when I would hear this mans foot steps in my home and I would have to make another decision for our safety. Luckily I didn’t have to, about 15  minutes after I made the 911 call the police arrived. I was finally able to breathe. They were outside with the man and I could breathe. I could tell my daughter that we were safe. And the tears just came running down my face. I suddenly had to pee, and I was sweating. I was hot. And out of breath. None of the things I noticed before. I still had to stay inside and wait for the police to come to me. About 10 minutes later the cops knocked on my door and reported that the man was drunk. And my next door neighbor was passed out in his car. Apparently my neighbor and the man that was trying to enter my home were out at the bar and the man was driving him home, I suppose he was the lesser drunk of the two since my neighbor was unable to be woken. And he thought that my home was his.  I confirmed that the other man in the car was indeed my neighbor. I asked to police officers if his car was going to be moved because if it was there in the morning I wouldn’t be able to get out to work. They informed me that his wife was on her way. I still in shock trying to calm down asked them if there was anything else I was needed for, they said no and then the man tried to get into his car and move it. They got him out, his wife arrived. I went and locked up the house, put chairs in front of the doors. Set a few more “booby traps” and went to bed to comfort my daughter. I also sat on the phone with a friend until I fell asleep because I just needed to know that I wasn’t alone. My daughter and I were restless and I tried to explain to her (and me) that we were safe. That it was a mistake. That all of our safety precautions in fact worked to keep us safe. I eventually put on our mediation app, Headspace and we finally fell asleep after 3 am. I had nightmares that night about ants invading my home, and killer ants the size of my face living in the piping that connects my ring door bell to my home. We all woke up, my daughter told my son all the things he missed and we talked more about safety. And we went on with our day, school and work. Being sure my kids knew that if they needed to talk about it that they could, with their teacher, counselors, anyone.  We are still all shook up, and I am back to decorating my home in booby traps before bed. The fear I had experienced was devastating. I thought I was going to be sexually assaulted, I thought I was going to have to fight with my whole self to protect me and the kids. I thought we were going to die for 20 minutes. I didn’t know if were going to live. The fear of this is still inside me. I am having a hard time recognizing that all my actions were perfect. All systems worked, all systems protected.

But I just can’t stop thinking that I didn’t my job well. I don’t quite know what that’s all about yet.

I am okay, I am safe. I will be okay. I just need to do more of my coping mechanisms and have very loving and compassionate conversations with myself. Which is not my specialty. I guess I need the practice anyways. 

Writing it out helps me process everything, helps me heal from it and I really appreciate you reading this if you have gotten this far. And I want to say that this event was extremely traumatic to me and my children and I will probably always remember how I felt.  But that it was just a hiccup to those men. That they may not even remember it. And if they did it will be funny that the cops were called because he was at the wrong door. That it was just a mistake to them. A funny drunk story.  But to me, I am forever going to bank this a traumatic moment, a time my safety was breached, a time where I legitimately thought I was going to lose my life, my children’s life. It was a real threat.

 “After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.” ― Judith Lewis Herman

“The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.” ―Napoleon Hill

This was what I saw. This is burned into my head.