I have anxiety. I have ocd. I have ptsd. I also have strength, courage and awareness.

I have anxiety. I have ocd. I have ptsd. I had a traumatic, abusive and neglected childhood. And I didn't know it wasn't normal to feel the way I feel on a regular basis. I knew growing up that kids had both parents or at least one of them. I only knew of one other family where the children were raised by their grandparents. What I didn't know was the lack of confidence, the neck and body pain, my need to control and manage everything around me, the overwhelming fear of death and ability to expect the worst to happen to me was not normal. My earliest memory of being scared to die was when I was living in city with my grandmother, a house I was in and out of, so it's hard to pinpoint an age, but under 7. I was laying in bed, and I prayed over and over and over again. To not die until I was ready. What's a young child got to be that worried about death for. My daughter is 8 and son is 6, I believe most days, death is the furthest thing from their little minds. I guess that was the beginning of my anxiety and ocd. I needed to control something and when I was sleep I couldn't be on watch, its the only time I am completely vulnerable. I am always thinking about a crisis, always trying to prepare for one. In my mind I can take a perfectly good moment and totally make catastrophic. Maybe everyone does that. But I am pretty much evaluating every moment for an escape route or ways to be safer and avoid catastrophic accidents. And if you have known me my whole life, you might not realize this, because I probably don't freak out.  I might have an occasional rational safety issue. But that's because I fight my need to flee constantly. And sometimes I challenge safety (such as sky diving) because I see it as facing my fear. Cause no one wants to live a boring life if it's gonna be short one. But, one way to combat this overwhelming feeling of death is to stay present. When I think of dying, my heart races, I get sweaty and I begin to think about all the things I could be doing or fixing, or where to go that isn't such a big risk. I would stay up researching what happens to a body when it dies. I research religions and their beliefs on death. I read up on statistics on break ins and murders in my area. I booby trap all the doors and windows in my house.  And none of it helps. Most of makes it worse. SO, I ask, how do I fix this before it takes over my life and I become a recluse. Just by being present. Which sounds simple, but it's incredibly hard to stay present when you are an anxious mess. But if you've read my other blogs, you know that I am working REALLY hard on it. And until this past Tuesday I didn't realize how much it had actually worked.  Tuesday was a normal day (ya know they all are really) and that's the thing about trauma and anxiety, you never know when something will pop up. The kids and I went to bed and we were all cuddled up and I thought I heard a scratching and then something come crashing outside. I assumed it was a raccoon (sometimes one gets in my trash) when I looked outside everything was untouched. I tried to mediate and let it go and not freak out and search the house. I started to fall asleep and something in the bathroom fell to the ground and woke me up. I freaked. I couldn't help myself. Initially I was paralyzed, and I had to work up the energy to get up because I knew if I didn't DO something, I would lay awake wondering all night.  So I got up, I put 911 on my phone so I could hit send quickly. Walked around the house with a knife, checking every closet, every door and window, any nook that someone could hid in. Yes, it sounds a bit excessive but if any nook wasn't uncovered than I would just lay in bed obsessing about it. Everything checks out, I climbed in bed and realize that I hadn't done that since June. And it all clicked for me. I realized that I have anxiety and ocd and ptsd and I have had it all along. I was just so deep in those rituals and coping mechanisms that I couldn't see through them. I realized this past year has been incredibly productive. And then I woke up the next morning with a sore neck (one I used to have 5 out of the 7 days most my life) and my posture was poor. It took a minute, the neck pain I have had for as long as I can remember is directly related to my anxiety and trauma. When I feel defensive, my posture turns in, my shoulders come up to my ears. I grit my teeth. I have been a long time sufferer of migraines and headaches. And it all makes sense. Now, I have to remember to relax my shoulders, and stand up straight. I don't need to be defensive anymore. I am on offense now. 

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.......Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe. In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past." -Bessel A van der Kolk

“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”  - Bessel A van der Kolk