I know happy because I know sad.

Finding time. We have 24 hours everyday. How is it that I can't find the time. A few sessions ago, I walked into therapy and talked about how I just felt sad. I had no idea why. Just sad and I just wanted to stop feeling sad. I want to be happy. I am happy, I wanted happy back. I yelled at sad, I pushed sad down, I said, "sad you have no place here." Little did I know sad needs a place here. Sad needs to hang around. Sad needs to be felt. Sad will not go away until she is heard. I needed to find time for sad. My therapist told me to schedule it. Find a safe place and just cry. So, Tuesday at 10, sad time. To sit here and tell you that I did it, wouldn't be the whole truth. I tried, it was just uncomfortable. I sat there, I told Sad, that she could be here, that I loved her, but that it wasn't pleasant and that if we could make this visit quick that would be just dandy. I should have known that Sad will be around a while. Her visits would be short but frequent until I got used to her, I guess she understood when I told to make it quick, but she had the last laugh, she said, sure, but I'll be back. And usually at the most inconvenient times. At times that I just don't have the energy to be sad, and I guess those are the times I need her most, because I run on autopilot, tending to all the things and not me. I am trying to see her and love her. It's not easy. She's proving to be a difficult hurdle. I know she's worth it. I know she's here for a reason. Perhaps, she's just sad because despite my ability to see the silver lining, everything I went through, is sad. And maybe, I just need to be sad about it without patting myself on my back and being thankful for surviving and smiling. I am scared, scared of the depths of sad. Scared of what I might see again, what I might have to experience all over again. I am scared that I will lose happy. I am scared that without happy, I won't be worthy. Logically I know that I can't feel happy without sad and sad without happy but Happy, may also be Worry.

"Hello Sad, I see you, I love you."

"Hey, Happy, no worries, you're not going anywhere, you've been my rock since day one and you've never moved, and you never will. You have my word."

"Just as a snake sheds its skin, we must shed our past over and over again." -Buddha