Dear Meredith

My therapist is on maternity until sometime in January and she and I made some plans for me for the weeks she was out to stay grounded. It was to continue using our appointment time for me, to meditate, yoga, read, write and rest. This is the second week, I did 45 minutes of yoga and was going to leave it at that. But something I am really proud of today happened and I really wanted to share my achievement with Meredith, my therapist. So, I am going to try something. Every Thursday while Meredith is on leave, I will make a Dear Meredith blog post.

Dear Meredith,

Today, I advocated all by myself. Today, I felt confidence in my own advocacy.

It’s snowing, schools were delayed the night before and cancelled by 6 am this morning. I don’t usually go into work until 12:30 pm. The forecast called for about 2 inches of snow, with a wintery mix and turn to all rain by 12 pm. I didn’t think anything of it, I’d be fine driving into work. Well, noon comes around and it’s still snowing and we are at about 4 inches and there are cars stuck on the road behind my house. I start questioning my ability to drive into work. I ask the other employees in my office about how it looks there and they agree that the roads look tricky and unsure of what the weather is going to do. Someone calls our boss who lives in another county south of us and typically warmer than us, and her response is “it’s raining here and we told patients you were going to be there, soooooo.” I waited and waited, I grew more and more upset because I can see the roads, I can see people pushing their cars up the street behind my house. Our county government has now called to warn people to stay off the roads, That there are numerous accidents which would delay any help if you so needed it. I didn’t want to risk my safety. I also didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to have to leave my coworkers high and dry. And then finally I decided, it was not worth my safety or anyone else’s to drive to work. And I felt confident that it was the right call and I sent the message, that if we weren’t going to decide to close in the next 10 minutes I was going to make the call for myself that I wasn’t leaving the safety of my home. They ended up closing the office and I never really had to actually call out. If you know me, deciding to do something is just as strong as me doing it. I am stubborn, like it’s my middle name.

I went about my business, thinking about making lunch and what to do with this day off, and BAM it hit me, I ADVOCATED FOR MY SAFETY. And it didn’t matter what anyone thought about it. It didn’t matter if someone was going to think less of me for not wanting to risk my safety. They can call me a coward, call me a wimp, call me whatever you want, but I will be a safe one of those things. This is a big day for me because I have doubted myself for so long. I haven’t trusted my gut. I would be mean to myself about the decisions I have made. But not today. I made a decision for my safety, I advocated for myself and I was confident about it.

There is a marrying of little Kristy and today Kristy happening, and it’s beautiful. I am no longer afraid of what little Kristy’s have to share with me or their emotions. They are the innocent Kristy sharing their wisdom with me. And I have noticed the more welcoming I am to them, the more peaceful I am.

“Never apologize for trusting your intuition – your brain can play tricks, your heart can blind, but your gut is always right.” Rachel Wolchin

“There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.” Anonymous