Dear Meredith. — WeirdWarriorWoman

Dear Meredith,

I have been feeling anxious for the past week. I have been searching for some relief, doing my grounding work (and it does help tons) but I always know it means my brain is working on something. I was just waiting for the dream that usually follows the anxiety attacks. And last night I had a dream about my mother. It was clear, like it really happened. I think it’s the first dream I have ever had of her. It was at the house my aunt and uncle lived in 20 years ago. I felt like kid me too. There was a knock at the door and my uncle opened the door and I was at the top of the steps and there she was. Standing at the door with a smile on her face, her brown hair parted down the middle, a white v-neck sweater like shirt tucked into a pair of blue jeans, carrying her keys and a pack of Marlboro reds in her hand. It felt was so real, I was excited to be back with her. That she came back to us. The missing her was over, I was relieved that she didn’t leave us forever. I woke up with some happiness in my heart that I got to be with her once again. But it was quickly met with sadness, my dreams weren’t true. My childhood wasn’t a nightmare, it was real. I am still faced with grieving her and missing her. I still have to get up and do the work. It can feel like she was never here and then here all the time. I see her everywhere. But sometimes I question if I ever knew her. But most of all I miss her, I miss hoping to see her.

And I am sad that I didn’t have a mom like me. I had a mom that was capable of being a mom like me and in some moments she was but in most moments her demons controlled the person and mother that she was. And maybe that’s whats in my head and making me anxious. Maybe it’s just really hard and rewarding to be the mom I wanted and needed.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.” - Judith Lewis Herman

I was looking for a photo to post of her smiling (which was rare) and then I saw this one, her in a white sweater and blues jeans.