Alzheimer's and Abandonment

Here it is, Mother's day, and I thought my mothers death anniversary was going to be difficult.  Today, I realize that every day is littered with my trauma.

Today,  it's loud and clear.  I am a Mother celebrating her own motherhood. A day that I feel so lucky to celebrate. My children are the greatest thing I have ever done and I will continue to celebrate that.

Today is a reminder of many things that are painful. It's a reminder of the woman that raised me after my mom abandoned me. My grandmother, Margee has Alzheimer's. She has lost her memories. She remembers me, she remembers us, those who love her, those who she loves. But she has lost the ability to know us, to share her memories with us. And on days like today, she doesn't know shes a mother.  And I desperately want to talk to her about my mother, about parts of my life I was too young to remember. Like how old I was when I walked, or my first words, or my favorite foods, etc. I miss her so very much. She is still here on love alone, the love of her children and grandchildren. That is one thing Alzheimer's has not ripped from her. Her ability to love us and for her to feel our love.  

And my mom, my mom that I love and I hate. She was this amazing woman. She was smart and creative. She threw the best parties and always knew how to have a good time. This amazing woman was always chasing love. And it’s  something I can relate to. I am always looking for love to be loved. See, the people that are supposed to love me, unconditionally, they hurt me, they left me. And it's really hard for me to know what love looks like, what it feels like and how to accept it. And I don't think my mom knew that the love that she was searching for was first, within herself and second right in front of her. The love of her children, all 7 of us, the love of her own mother and father and the love of her siblings. She had them all too, they all adored her. And truth, I have them too. It's not always fair that I feel like they love me because they have to. But I suppose if they loved her with her flaws, I can say they love me the same way. I have felt like a burden for most of my life. Actually for as long as I can remember, I have felt unwanted. So, maybe I understand my mom a little more than I thought. And that never feels any better. That just makes me sadder for her. 

Today is always conflicting for me. I love being a mother, it’s best thing I've ever done.

I love that I had the best mothers in my family, that a girl whose mom left her could everhave.

And I love my mom, I am everything good thing she ever was.

But it is also a reminder of how quickly someone can fade.

It's a reminder of all that I hate about my mom.

"What the heart has once known, it shall never forget." - unknown