Saturn and it’s rings.

Boundary: something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. 

Ever since I started therapy I have been learning about boundaries. What they are, why I need them and how to apply them.  I needed something concrete to grasp the concept of boundaries and my therapist introduced this idea that I am walking around with a hula hoop and you are either in or out of the hula hoop. Over the past 2 years I have been re-evaluating the people I keep close to me, the people who deserve to be in my hula hoop and people that don't. Initially this frightened me because I was afraid that I would lose everything and everyone. My vision can be very black and white and if you are not in my hoop than you don't exist (which I now know isn't true). And this fed my very primal and extreme fear of abandonment.  Everyone leaves, no one stays and it's all my fault. And I have walked with this feeling every day of my life since my mom left. I thought that the people in my life didn't chose to be in it, they just felt bad for me or were just doing what they thought was the right thing. They were in my life because they're good people, not because they loved or liked me. Now I was being asked to challenge that feeling of losing these people because I was going to put boundaries up. And for the first year I feared becoming a better me, I feared healing little Kristy's because that would mean no one would stay, I would alone. My mother couldn't even stay so why would anyone else. I still struggle with this but with everyday I grow a little more confident in the feeling that I want people to respect my boundaries and if they can't than I don't want them around.  
In the past, I was letting everyone in, I was letting everyone's feelings and judgement's effect what I was feeling more than my own.

I am growing stronger in the fact that people don't leave me because of me. That in the heart of hearts and truths of truths that my Mother missed me greatly, every second of her life, that she loved me so greatly and it tortured her to have abandoned me. That I could been anyone, anywhere and it still wouldn't have been enough to bring her back. Because the truth is, she abandoned me and that had zero to do with me and everything to do with whatever she was haunted by. She wasn't running from me, she was running from herself. And I don't get to hold that burden for her anymore. It's hers to carry, it should have never been mine. Knowing that truth makes the boundaries a little easier to put down and little easier for me to respect.  

I also learned that boundaries are not permanent, they move and change. Sometimes the people don't even know that you are keeping them at a distance. Because you can still support, love and respect people and still keep them at a distance safe for your well being. You get to say who is allowed inside your hoop.  Now that I have a better understanding of boundaries, I have changed my hula hoop analogy to Saturn and it's rings, it better represents the gray and changing matter of boundaries. I am Saturn and my boundary levels are the rings and depending on how you treat me (or others) depends on how close or far you are from me. How much strength your words and feelings effect me and that can change at any time. 

Applying this to my life has made a huge difference in my confidence. I gave everyone the power to leave me and it was always hanging over my head. That with one wrong decision or comment that they could leave me forever. Hurt me like my Mother. I have been giving everyone that power for as long as I can remember when no one deserved it, it was always mine to keep. I've learned that boundaries keep me safe, they let me love myself. And isn't that what matters the most? 

"We put so much effort into fearing abandonment that we fail to notice the multitude of ways that we're abandoning ourselves. When we give us the love, care, trust and respect we need and have always deserved, we will not accept less than what we can already be and do for ourselves." - Natalie Lue