Smashing Pumpkins and pee.

Since last Friday there has been a bunch of stuff that has happened and I hope I can arrange it to make sense and you can follow me to the end. 

Friday was a normal day, I had a fabulous workout, did some cleaning and had plans with a friend to have dinner with and see the Smashing Pumpkins. Got through dinner and headed to the concert, great seats, I was feeling good. Smashing Pumpkins come on, and on the wall behind the band are photos of Billy Corgans childhood, with eyes X'd out, the words ASSASSIN written across photos and 666 and various other things written on them, flashing in front of me, while Billy Corgan is singing Disarm and its powerful and triggering. My brain immediately realizes this is apart of his therapy, and is blown away at how I didn't see it before. And then I immediately felt danger. My brain thought how this would be the perfect time for someone (including the band)  just to light the whole place up. Quickly, I think of a plan in my head, I will keep my purse near by, and use the folding chairs in front of me as a barrier, I notice the exits and realize that we are the closest to back as possible. I begin to settle in and enjoy the show, I have my vigilance to keep me aware and my plan if I need it. I get through most of the show. And suddenly I feel wetness on my leg, I ignore it and then I feel it again and I turn around (we were in the back so there wasn't really anyone behind us) and this guys is peeing all over the place and it’s splashing on me bouncing off the chairs. And I quickly turn back around and completely ignore whats happening. I don't tell security or my friend. I just focus on the stage. I look back to see if he was still there and he was gone. Shew, all over. I then turn to my friend and explain what happened, they are disgusted and we both see to the left of us that the security guard removing the man. And the other security guard is disgusted. My friend spent another 5 minutes trying to focus back on the show but decided that we should leave. I agreed. The whole walk back to the car, the whole drive home I started questioning what happened and my response to what happened. Why didn't I respond? Why did I freeze? How do I fix this? Would I freeze forever when needing to keep myself safe? Do I suck at therapy? Am I working hard enough? 

I spent the rest of the weekend exhausted, unmotivated to do anything, workout, clean.... move.  I had just enough energy to eat. I spent the whole weekend trying to force myself out of be to clean,  to workout, pushing myself to leave the house. But also forcing myself to stay comfy in bed because I am supposed to listen to what little Kristy's need and clearly this one needed me to rest.  The kids cane home after those 2 days and I was able to muster enough energy to care for them and the house and get to me to work and them to camp. But by this time I was beginning to be annoyed with people. People that in the past didn't annoy me where starting to make me angry (I’ve finally learned that this is a good sign that I’m not in self). And I was feeling impulsive, I was very "I want what I want and I want it now."  I was fidgety and then it finally hit me, I was in a little Kristy still. And that I had been this whole time. And when I recognized it I felt a twinge better. And I moved onto trying to figure out how to heal her. I questioned my response to the concert and how we could have handled that better. I probed further into my ability use my tools from therapy. I woke up today feeling relief. I felt like I was back, I had a strong desire to clean, to workout and be out and about. I was me again. And off to therapy I went to sort through this past week. And with a sentence I understand what happened. She asked me if my response at the concert kept me safe.  And yes it did. She reminded me that this Kristy is a protector, she knows what to do to keep you safe, she sized up the situation and felt fight and flight weren't safe, but freeze was. There are many times in her 38 years that she has made the decision to freeze and it kept you safe and she saw this as the appropriate response. And I spent the last few days, DAYS, telling her that I didn't trust her response, that I had to change her. I spent days ignoring her requests to stay home because home is where the safety is.  I spent the weekend trying to relax and I did physically but emotionally I beat up on myself. I have to find a way to trust myself. Trust that my reactions, even if they are different than others, are appropriate for me. And when I need to rest and fill my safety meter up again, that I need to do that, wholly. Not in the pretend way. In the acceptance of myself way. All the Kristy's inside me have been with me all this time, and they have been keeping me safe and I need to love them all for that, I need to trust that they will always keep me safe. And that I need to give them space to feel safe again. 

side note: I was in high school when Smashing Pumpkins came out with all their albums, I felt their music was something I could really relate to. This whole time, I had no idea why, I mean lots if music I feel I just connect to and I never questioned why, I just did. I went to the concert for nostalgia. And I realized many artists are no different than me. Expressing their trauma in their way, in hopes they can heal themselves and help someone else feel less alone. A little Kristy wanted to run up to the stage and hug a little Billy Corgan and ask if he wanted to go outside to play. To be innocent kids, full of love and acceptance. And I hope that he's healing his little Billy's. 

Also, I had a great time despite my triggers. Smashing Pumpkins put on a great show, keep on rocking.

“Soul work is not a high road. It’s a deep fall into an unforgiving darkness that won’t let you go until you find the song that sings you home.” - McCall Erickson